Change: to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone: to change one's name; to change one's opinion; to change the course of history.

So what would it be 'if left alone?' Is change inevitable; parter of some bigger plan, or do we cause the change so that what we want becomes possible?

It's almost impossible to figure that one out I've decided. First of all, to answer that question you'd need to know exactly what it is you want, how much of that is conscious and how much subconscious, and whether or not your actions occurr unwittingly or are carried out knowingly or both...too hard already!!! Haven't even got to the real question yet!

I'm pondering all this because there are changes going on in this little life of mine, and also in my head; in the way I think, and I'm wondering why and how they're happening. I don't really believe in a god or a greater power and I have my doubts about fate, but I do see that sometimes things deserve to be taken for more than simply actions, events and thoughts - sometimes you can't ignore the possibility they're affected actions, pre-empted events and motivated thoughts.

I believe in a lot of things: love, hope, committment, honesty, the soul; but I also believe that we are ultimately in control of ourselves. We all posess sense, logic and reason, which should be enough to manouvre our way around the maze of life's questions and answers with relative ease, yet we all (well I speak for myself, and assume the majority) feel the need to fill that small portion of thought that is left with some sort of doubt as to why we are what we are and do what we do. My answer: I don't know. Others put it down to a god, a greater power, an almighty spirit or force that watches over and governs our lives. I'm not saying there isn't. But thus far I don't believe there is. Perhaps I've become too cynical after reading Catherine Deveny's viciously Atheist views on religion, but some things she did struck a chord with me. My opinions are by no means parallel to hers, but I had to stop and think when she included this: "...it was Galileo who said, 'I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.'..."

Sometimes I wish I believed in more than humans; more than reality - putting everything in God's power sounds more comforting than believing in the will of human race that at times seems lost. I wish I could put changes in my life down to something other than thoughts and actions that are vehicles for my ultimate wants and desires (whether I know what they are or not). But unfortunately together with my belief in the self, I also must believe in selfishness and pursuit of personal happiness, often over and above that of others. I wish I didn't, but I wouldn't be honest if I didn't admit to prioritising myself, my feelings, my thoughts, above other things. Perhaps that's the problem, perhaps I need to learn more. Perhaps there is something bigger than me that I'll discover I can rationalise and believe in. I am a realist; too rational and too sceptical. Perhaps I need to learn...I believe in that too.

Don't forget your raincoat...the weather might change! xx